Acts As Enterprisey
Let’s face it, we all want the big bucks. And we all know Consultancy Law No. 1:
Your Rates Are Proportional To Your App’s Enterpriseyness
Rails make life easy for us but — and it’s a big but — we don’t want it to look easy. My
acts_as_enterprisey plugin is your friend.
acts_as_enterprisey make webapp development look hard? Well, the only way your client can judge your app is by playing around with it. What better gives the feeling of heavy weights being lifted behind the scenes than slow response times? Exactly. That’s what
So while your client clicks, *waits* …, and then gets the page, you can blather on heroically about wrestling with clustered indexes, cache expiration strategies,
n log(n) seek times, etc ad nauseam.
acts_as_enterprisey in your
ActiveRecord model. That’s it. (It wouldn’t be much use if you actually had to do some work to make it look hard, would it?)
class ShuttleLaunchSequencer < ActiveRecord::Base acts_as_enterprisey end
This slows down all the
ShuttleLaunchSequencer’s finders by 2 seconds. What’s a few seconds here or there?
class GpsSatelliteBeacon < ActiveRecord::Base acts_as_enterprisey :delay => 3, :random => true end
This slows down the
GpsSatelliteBeacon’s finders by a random delay between 0 and 3 seconds. It’ll make orienteering more fun.
You can feel your rates rising already. I know it.
Clients pay you to solve their technical problems. They want to feel like they’re getting their money’s worth. Especially after you start submitting enterprisey invoices.
So make their wishes come true: it’s only fair. Ethical, even. Crank the delay up as the deadline approaches, make them sweat, display fortitude and perseverance, etc. And when they can’t take it (the app’s sluggishness, your bills, whatever) any more, whip out the
acts_as_enterprisey from your models and book the flights to Vegas.
Install in the usual Rails way:
$ script/plugin install http://opensource.airbladesoftware.com/trunk/plugins/acts_as_enterprisey
I considered spewing random stack traces into the logs, a sure-fire sign of enterpriseyness admirably exhibited by, for example, a certain Java webserver. But since clients don’t look at server logs, there’s no point.
Still, it would have been a nice touch.